Lights, camera, ACTION ……
There’s no rehearsal, its straight to wardrobe then onto the set!
I always arrive for an appointment or meeting early. Thankfully it’s a habit I developed early in life. Personally I always have a book with me, so should I have to wait, the time is put to good use. It was packed in my bag along with the requested dressing gown and slippers. Having arrived before my appointment time I looked forward to a little light reading (having abandoned the idea of bringing War and Peace) however I was called to action almost immediately, which you don’t expect but is obviously pleasing. I followed the nurse into a small room and then, having confirmed who I was, she took my blood pressure, told me to undress and to wear a hospital gown.
These gowns are not designed to flatter and personally I think that they are a form of an agility test. You are given a hint that they tie at the back and then you’re on your own… After unpacking it from its polyethylene bag the gown assumes a personality of its own, opens its self out and presents itself to you as yards of material flapping about. When you think that you have it under control having worked out the position of the armholes, you put it on, reach around the back to fasten the tapes and at this point it decides to slide down your arms at the front. Climbing back into it you attempt to tie it into position with the tapes at the back and, like the action of a dog chasing its tail, you try to match up the two adjacent tapes. After several revolutions you are convinced that this gown lacks a full complement of tapes, it’s now falling off again at the front. The blood pressure, which was normal by the way, may no longer be so! Finally realising that the key to the whole operation is to tie the tapes at the neck but not too tightly (although they have oxygen on standby I would prefer to breathe naturally) then work downwards. With the final tape wrestled into position I found that no matter how tight the tapes are fastened the gown always seems to be gaping open at the back….Ahhh so that’s why we bring the dressing gown as its never cold in the hospital its just impossible to dress whilst keeping ones modesty intact. With perfect timing the nurse appears and we proceed to the examination room.
There are a number of staff in the room and I am introduced to them. I lay on the examination couch with one of the nurses sitting and chatting with me. To my surprise, a cold lubricant is applied and the examination and filming began (there was no need for me to smile for this particular close-up). I realised that if I moved my head a little to one side I could have a full view of the TV screen. The view is of a long, pink corrugated tunnel and the scene does not change much as the camera explores. Thankfully to save my embarrassment the “MOVIEPREP”(R) has left a totally empty and spotlessly clean intestine. With no sensation of the camera inside it feels quite strange, it seemed to be darting about looking and searching everywhere (possibly for that small rubber tyre from one of my toy cars that I mentioned previously!) The thing is I had no idea of scale, the pink tunnel filled the screen and without any sensation of movement it was difficult to know which area of the bowel was being viewed. Within a few moments the consultant announced the cause of the problem. I saw, what I now know to be, a polyp attached to the left hand side of the bowel, its location apparently not very far from the entrance (the anus) and its size being equivalent to a golf ball. This examination was initially to simply look at the descending part of the intestine but in light of this discovery the consultant informed me that he wanted to continue to examine the rest of the large intestine. Now, this involves going deeper and around some bends, the route is simple and you really can’t get lost, it’s up the descending colon, across the top along the transverse colon and then down the ascending colon to somewhere near the site of the appendix and return the same way! I hoped he would not be looking for the appendix exit as the appendix was taken out many years ago when I was seven and the only time I had stayed in hospital. I don’t think I am particularly brave or have an extraordinary high threshold of pain but as the camera made its way through the bowel I felt discomfort at times but that’s all to be honest, no pain at all but every one is different.
On the return journey the camera stopped at the polyp and I was told that some tissue would be taken and then examined. Amazingly there must be some adapter fitted to the camera or some other instrument introduced and a small sample was removed, I was expecting to feel this but no, it was painless, it was strange to see some blood shown on the TV screen without the relevant sensation. With the removal of the camera came the end of the examination. I made an effort to get up but I was told to relax and I would be taken to the recovery room. I felt fine but it’s a hospital rule and later I understood why. So I travelled the corridor on my couch and into the recovery room. Lying there in the room I thought of when the camera was inserted but wondered if the consultant screwed on extra lengths as it penetrated deeper into the bowel just like Dyno-Rod inspecting a drain. I thought that I would tell my friends later that it was such a good inspection I could see the back of my teeth.
It was my first experience of a Colonoscopy, which was performed out by a highly skilled considerate Consultant supported by a professional team.
Tractor Man GBNHS