A Windy Day in the Recovery Room

The thing about hospitals is that they really do look after you well, in fact very well. They understand how most of us will feel after a procedure and have a plan in place to aid recovery. I like to think that I take notice, follow instructions and do the best to support whatever they are doing to aide my recovery. Apparently not everybody does.

With the filming complete and ‘in the can’ as they say, my transfer from the examination room to the recovery room was rapid but I felt like I had left a group of people behind who had become my best friends as I was so well looked after. My bed safely parked, a goodbye and thank you to the staff, then ‘hello’ to the very attentive nurse that was there to oversee my recovery. The nurse asked what type of sandwich I would like and if I would like a cup of tea “you must feel hungry after fasting”, you can see what I mean about being looked after.

I had felt the need to release gas since the examination finished. I was so embarrassed at the thought but now in recovery it was explained to me that during the procedure air was pumped inside me in order to extend the bowel thus giving a better opportunity for consultant to view and manoeuvre the camera. ‘So’ the nurse said ‘whenever you feel the need, release as much wind as you can’. This reminded me of a much-loved boys activity when camping and sharing a large eight-man tent.  I felt I lacked the skills of other boys when I was around 11 years old so now was my chance to see what it was like to perform at the highest level. Lying on the bed I was unable to control the first expulsion of gas. It sounded like a long, low note on a trombone as the air escaped. What a relief! With further releases I’m sure that I impersonated the complete wind section of an orchestra.

The nurse returned with sandwiches and tea and advised me that when I felt the need to use to toilet just to go but if I needed any help getting of the bed to press the red button for assistance. Timing was of the essence however so the button was never pressed although visits were frequent. There were many occasions when I moved quickly and with purpose, though I would like to think with poise and a stately manner. Between visits to the toilet I rested on the bed, then in the chair the latter being much more an efficient launch pad to the toilet.

There is a story that Sir Christopher Cockerel, the inventor of the hovercraft, perfected his idea by the use of a vacuum cleaner set to blow and some tin cans strapped together; the experiment taking place in his garden shed. If he hadn’t already discovered the principles I think I would have done so having spent some considerable time hovering over the toilet.

Between sprints to the toilet the Consultant arrived, asked how I felt and then went on to explain that the polyp they had found was quite firm to the touch of the camera and that the results of the sample would be analysed. Apparently it was only when it reached the size of what he had described as a golf ball that it mimicked the feeling that I needed to use the toilet. Thankfully I experienced the symptoms before it became a cricket ball or a football! He said he would like me to have two scans and after making a few phone calls at the nurses station he gave me some proposed dates for the following week and said that I would have confirmation through the post within a few days.

As you have gathered I am a person with a positive outlook, but I never confuse being positive with putting my head in the sand. In other words I thought that this may be serious but didn’t despair believing that with medical science and technology this was a problem that could, and would, be solved.

Tractor Man

GBNHS

Lights, camera, ACTION ……

There’s no rehearsal, its straight to wardrobe then onto the set!

I always arrive for an appointment or meeting early. Thankfully it’s a habit I developed early in life. Personally I always have a book with me, so should I have to wait, the time is put to good use. It was packed in my bag along with the requested dressing gown and slippers. Having arrived before my appointment time I looked forward to a little light reading (having abandoned the idea of bringing War and Peace) however I was called to action almost immediately, which you don’t expect but is obviously pleasing. I followed the nurse into a small room and then, having confirmed who I was, she took my blood pressure, told me to undress and to wear a hospital gown.

These gowns are not designed to flatter and personally I think that they are a form of an agility test. You are given a hint that they tie at the back and then you’re on your own… After unpacking it from its polyethylene bag the gown assumes a personality of its own, opens its self out and presents itself to you as yards of material flapping about. When you think that you have it under control having worked out the position of the armholes, you put it on, reach around the back to fasten the tapes and at this point it decides to slide down your arms at the front. Climbing back into it you attempt to tie it into position with the tapes at the back and, like the action of a dog chasing its tail, you try to match up the two adjacent tapes. After several revolutions you are convinced that this gown lacks a full complement of tapes, it’s now falling off again at the front. The blood pressure, which was normal by the way, may no longer be so! Finally realising that the key to the whole operation is to tie the tapes at the neck but not too tightly (although they have oxygen on standby I would prefer to breathe naturally) then work downwards. With the final tape wrestled into position I found that no matter how tight the tapes are fastened the gown always seems to be gaping open at the back….Ahhh so that’s why we bring the dressing gown as its never cold in the hospital its just impossible to dress whilst keeping ones modesty intact. With perfect timing the nurse appears and we proceed to the examination room.

There are a number of staff in the room and I am introduced to them. I lay on the examination couch with one of the nurses sitting and chatting with me. To my surprise, a cold lubricant is applied and the examination and filming began (there was no need for me to smile for this particular close-up). I realised that if I moved my head a little to one side I could have a full view of the TV screen. The view is of a long, pink corrugated tunnel and the scene does not change much as the camera explores. Thankfully to save my embarrassment the “MOVIEPREP”(R) has left a totally empty and spotlessly clean intestine. With no sensation of the camera inside it feels quite strange, it seemed to be darting about looking and searching everywhere (possibly for that small rubber tyre from one of my toy cars that I mentioned previously!) The thing is I had no idea of scale, the pink tunnel filled the screen and without any sensation of movement it was difficult to know which area of the bowel was being viewed. Within a few moments the consultant announced the cause of the problem. I saw, what I now know to be, a polyp attached to the left hand side of the bowel, its location apparently not very far from the entrance (the anus) and its size being equivalent to a golf ball. This examination was initially to simply look at the descending part of the intestine but in light of this discovery the consultant informed me that he wanted to continue to examine the rest of the large intestine. Now, this involves going deeper and around some bends, the route is simple and you really can’t get lost, it’s up the descending colon, across the top along the transverse colon and then down the ascending colon to somewhere near the site of the appendix and return the same way! I hoped he would not be looking for the appendix exit as the appendix was taken out many years ago when I was seven and the only time I had stayed in hospital. I don’t think I am particularly brave or have an extraordinary high threshold of pain but as the camera made its way through the bowel I felt discomfort at times but that’s all to be honest, no pain at all but every one is different.

On the return journey the camera stopped at the polyp and I was told that some tissue would be taken and then examined. Amazingly there must be some adapter fitted to the camera or some other instrument introduced and a small sample was removed, I was expecting to feel this but no, it was painless, it was strange to see some blood shown on the TV screen without the relevant sensation. With the removal of the camera came the end of the examination. I made an effort to get up but I was told to relax and I would be taken to the recovery room. I felt fine but it’s a hospital rule and later I understood why. So I travelled the corridor on my couch and into the recovery room. Lying there in the room I thought of when the camera was inserted but wondered if the consultant screwed on extra lengths as it penetrated deeper into the bowel just like Dyno-Rod inspecting a drain. I thought that I would tell my friends later that it was such a good inspection I could see the back of my teeth.

It was my first experience of a Colonoscopy, which was performed out by a highly skilled considerate Consultant supported by a professional team.

Tractor Man  GBNHS

Stand by, Lights, Camera.

I always wanted to be on television… I wonder what the ratings will be?

The thought of a camera entering and looking round was not a thought that worried me. I mean so many hundreds of people have already had that procedure and so I felt confident in attending the hospital and very confident that this would just be a routine day at the office for the staff. I think a positive approach was in my mind from the start. I will stress this now, and many more times in the future, that I had and will continue to have full confidence in the consultants, doctors and nurses who form the front line medical staff. However, as I was to learn there is a mighty army that support them.

So, this blog in meant to be funny; well there is indeed entertainment to be had.

If you think of your daily intake of food there can be a lot for the camera to get through (if you get my drift), so there is a procedure available to make way for the ‘film crew’.

Actually the cameraman stays outside and sends the camera in on a bendy wire thing. I am not talking about a wire coat hanger here with a Kodak throwaway camera attached to one end but some incredibly sophisticated equipment with a highly skilled consultant as cameraman.

To be able to see and investigate the large bowel it does need to be “empty.” A potion has been developed to empty the bowels, its aptly named …… “MOVIPREP”(R)

I can tell you it works quicker than when you’re watching England taking penalties in qualifiers, the thought of a driving test in the morning or maybe, as with some of my friends, when entering the pub first and finding themselves in front of the bar with the prospect of buying a round of drinks…that’s when they allegedly develop a sudden need for the toilet. I think you have the idea.

You modify what you eat two days before your appointment, which in not a hardship.

Depending on your appointment time, you take the bowel preparation then stand by…. Just when you think its not working …it does. Best to warn the rest of the household to keep clear of the bathroom or at least be prepared to vacate quickly.

Over a few hours it continues to work. I first thought that if I watched a program on the television then, when the adverts were showing (possibly the one with the dog playing with the toilet roll would be appropriate) I could visit the bathroom. No.. No.. NO!  It does not work like that. I found myself getting lots of exercise running up and down the stairs to the bathroom. In the end I just made camp there, sat and read a magazine. I decided against the good food guide, just a personal choice.

Like a rain shower in April the ‘activity’ eventually stopped and I had a comfortable nights sleep, as did everybody else in the household having been amused for hours by my dashing about. I was now required to fast until my examination was complete the following morning.

Please remember that although I make light of what’s happening to me, I never lose sight of the wonderful work of the NHS. So from now on you will see the following abbreviations at the end of each blog GBNHS. Which I’m sure you have already worked out means God Bless the NHS.

Tractor Man

GBNHS

The thing about Cancer is its discovery. The earlier the discovery, the better the chances of beating the disease.

At home we had a new boiler fitted as an upgrade to our heating system and during the work it was discovered that some of the floorboards in the bathroom would need replacing; a leaking shower into the garage below had, over time, rotted some of the wood. Strange how my dear wife thought that whilst replacing the floorboards why not replace the entire bathroom?

So the work starts. As the house has only one bathroom, toilet and shower combined within the same room it was clear that some planning for the use of the amenities would be needed. When the fitters went out for a smoke, shopping for materials or stopped for lunch, we (that being my wife and I) made a point of using the facilities.

The reason I mention the construction of the new bathroom is this. One of the indicators of anything being wrong with the bowels is a frequent need to use the toilet. For future reference I shall use the old army term of a number two for evacuating the bowels. Strange as it may seem, this restricted access to the toilet coincided with my increased urgency to use the toilet. The men fitting the bathroom were invited to take more tea breaks than they would normally. So whenever my need became desperate I put on the kettle, made tea and called them down to the kitchen. The words I did not like to hear was “be down in a couple of minutes”. My dear wife on hearing the words “tea’s made!” would always beat me to the bathroom. It was clear that this unusual need of mine was nothing to do with any food I had eaten, my wife being an excellent cook.

I booked a trip to see the doctor. As far as I could work out he was either newly qualified or simply new to the practice, whatever his status he seemed very confident when fitting latex gloves to his hands. “I will just examine you if you would just lay on the couch and lower……etc.” The examination, though not at all painful, went beyond being ticklish. I was relived when nothing was found; I mean nothing out of the ordinary. At one point when lying on the coach I did think back to the time when I was a young boy and swallowed the small rubber tyre off one of my toy cars, a dinky toy that is. I never did find out what happened to that.

I went back to see him about two weeks later for the results of the blood test that he had sent me for. I still needed to go urgently for a number two, the bathroom was not finished and the bathroom fitters were now overdosing on tea and gaining weight with the amount of biscuits and cake we were still feeding them. The result of this consultation was that as the blood test was inconclusive he would book me an appointment for “a little look around with the camera.”

I think it’s important to say that my urgent dash to the bathroom seldom produced any results/ goods/ deposits. You choose or add appropriate words to suit your personality.

There was however one important development, in trying to produce a number two there was often a release of gas and with it a kind of mucus which had a pinkish tinge. I kept thinking in a positive way but now I had some doubts.

Tractor Man

For now I will just be known as Tractor Man, but more on than that sometime in the future

When I was twenty I wrote this song and now several decades on I can still remember the words, silly I know but maybe it was something in that song that struck a chord recently. (Sorry about the attempt at humour but that’s the way I am and the way I think and that’s the way this blog will be travelling.)

It’s a song that was never heard by any one except for possibly the family cat who would wander into my bedroom while I was attempting to learn to play the guitar. I should add that it never stayed for long. I have at periods of my life thought about the song and other poetry I wrote at that time. Now all manuscripts are lost (thankfully you may say when you read the song) but some fragments remain in some tiny corner of my mind. (Or should that be in a tiny mind there are some fragments?) No I was correct with the first attempt.

So this is only the verse of the song

I can stand in the pouring rain,

Let the water-cool my brain,

Why should I ever complain?

Sunny days follow the rain.

So why after so many years did I recall the song? Well, recently there was a time of reflection and suddenly the words were on my tongue and out free to air once again. It was the very positive nature of the words that made me think that that’s how I felt at twenty and that’s how I think now. It became clear why those simple lines from many years ago came back. I’d thought that all of my life I’d had that feeling of being a positive thinker, a positive person. So when I was diagnosed with Bowel Cancer I was shocked but not in despair, being a positive thinker and always able to “look on the bright side of life.” So here was a new experience, a new adventure, and one that many have experienced before me and I think statistically many others will follow.

So my approach to this situation was to think…….

“There is nothing funny about Bowel Cancer until you contract it, then you can make it as funny as you like”

I am sure there are many very useful blogs and websites that will help you if you find yourself in the same position. I hope I don’t upset anybody with my approach to this disease but it was the way I thought at the start and still do. I hope you can enjoy the journey. You may find some of this information and my experiences useful.

One point about this journey is that it’s not happening in real time. What I mean by this is that it’s not an account as it happens. Its all been condensed to a weekly blog of the events, which in reality happened just over a year ago. It was my intention to write as it was taking place but to be honest there were weeks when I was just getting on with life.

Tractor man

View my post to follow my story